Caring

Caring 3-2005

It now seems that I’ve spent most of my life trying to show that I didn’t care.  Not that I didn’t care, but make it SEEM that I didn’t care.  Because I found that when people realized how MUCH I care, I became ineffectual.  I was not seen as “strong” or capable.  I was just another weak, tender bleeding heart that anyone could crush or disregard at will.  I spent decades building a persona that was Tough.  Someone who could withstand whatever was thrown at him.  Spit on me?  pfft. I don’t care.  Kick me?  So what.  I am strong and whatever you think you can do to me will not affect me at all.  Why?  Because I don’t care.  I believed that caring, being considerate, thoughtful created gaps in the armor that cruel people could poke sharp things through and wound.  If I just snarl and stand fast regardless of the attempts at being gouged; if I did not ’cave’ when I was wounded then I was showing myself to be un-damage-able.  You can’t hurt me.

I am tender and caring.  I just have all of this armor that I’ve pulled over my tender spots to try to protect myself.  Now I find that the armor has deflected far more than just pain and hurt.  It repels most interactions.  I am inside this fortress with little to give or take because of the fear of pain.  Creating and maintaining this fortress of disregard and ’carelessness’ about all things that might manage to damage me.  Pushing help and consideration away from me as hard as I can because that shows that I don’t care - and that - I have assured myself - will protect me.

Now I am protected and disconnected from most people and events.

People who have known (and loved) me realize that I am just pretending to be hard, but most find the effort too taxing to bother with peeling through all of the armor to get to the soft gooey center that is my heart.  I was crushed over and over in my youth.  This was my solution.  There was no balance to it - no consideration for ’what if we need to go out and get water or food or help’ - the fortress was only for protection, not for growth or survival.  “You can’t hurt me” became my rallying cry - my motto - my way of life.  I’m sure that I’m not alone, but I am more successful at insulating-by-seeming-not-to-care than many people.  I suppose that is because most of them woke up and realized being alone and without help or friends is a less than optimal method of living.

The first thing that I do when someone hurts me is figure out a way not to care.  Oh, they spoke harsh to me - well, I don’t care - their opinion doesn’t matter to me anyway.  Oh - they hit me, well I don’t care - it’s not like it hurt much.  On and on it goes, developing stances and methods to avoid showing pain by Not Caring.

There are thousands of times I’ve said “the pain will go away when it stops hurting” - gruffly indicating that I was not going to let pain stop me from doing what I thought HAD to be done.  Recently I heard my daughter tell me the same thing - “like you always say, daddy, the pain will go away when it stops hurting, right?”  And she trudges on.  It is a survival mechanism.  But as a way of life I suspect that it bleeds into every part of my being - slowly turning me into this unflinching, unfeeling creature that can stand whatever pain is hurled at them… but at a cost of disconnection and dehumanization.

I have to tear down these Careless Walls and just learn to handle pain and disappointment like everyone else.  I don’t expect this process to be without trauma, but I am slowly beginning to fear the insulation more than I fear the potential pain that touching and living can present.  I have to find a different kind of strong - one that isn’t just hundreds of sandbags outside the heart-tent.  I have to be strong while allowing people to see that I care and that I want good things for all of us.

I do care.  And I intend to find ways of having people know that I care, rather than seeking ways to hide the care and consideration that I feel for others.

I begin to see that caring is the only way that we can surpass flaws and issues.  Caring is strength.  Caring is commitment and exposure.
Caring… is what separates human from animals.  Caring (and SHOWING it) is what makes people willing to be with one another.

I have lots of work to do.  I’ll need lots of friends to point out the armor I may still have tacked on.  I hope to become fully human in the near future.